Monday

Diet Day #1 - I forgot to weigh in so I'll do it tomorrow and it was too damn cold to walk lol... I have more excuses than... I can't think of anything clever. My brain is malfunctioning. I had egg whites this morning because I forgot not to, but I'm drankin my drank so we'll see how this goes. I don't know why in my mind this was easier to make than the lemonade cleanse stuff. Maybe it's just a good time for me to do this. Anyway I'm peeved blogettes - I come in all hyped about my diet and wtf do I get plopped on my desk.


MFKN GIRL SCOUT CARAMEL DeLITES. Are. You. Shittin me?!?!?!? OK 1) Who the FUCK did this? B) Why must they be so goshdarned deliteful? III) My daughter will NEVER be a gotdamned girlscout since obviously you pubes can't SPELL... I mean seriously! Why chocolaty coconut goodness whyyyyyyy?

But I'm takin the Whitney approach: "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway."

Let's face it. I love food. Really. If I could eat out everyday I would. I love everything about food, but come the eff on already! It's DAY ONE! God, are you there? It's me Candice - whyyyyyyyyyyyyy are there cookieeeeeeeeeeees on my deeeeeeeeeeeeeesk?!?!? Apparently they aren't from the God-forsaken Girl Scout cookie fairy so I ordered them... ya know... back when I was fat.

UGH - I can't WAIT for my "after" so I can look at pictures like the other after assholes do and be like "Oh my GAWD look at how HUGE I was! Why didn't anybody tell me?" Bitch yo mirror told u, the tight ass movie theater seats told u, ur achy knees, worn out girdles, cabinet full of diet SHIT and ur closet full of ur old size 8's that will NEVER COME BACK IN STYLE told u that ur ass put on a couple pounds! The fact that ONLY the drunk dudes at the club fuck wit you...THAT SHOULDA TOLD YOU!!!!!!



You needed ME to tell you? Did I need YOU to hit me?! NO ONE likes to have someone just pounce on them with a "Hey tubby, what gives?" so WHY do people expect there would be droves of "You're fat now!" in texts/emails/smoke signals? Take responsibility for your own actions..cravings..mistakes..ice cream flavors will ya?

So that's where I am now - mentally on board with losing weight. I spend so much time and money on pills/videos/plans/meals etc etc and I'm really sick of it. I know I sound like a whiny little fat baby, but there's more to weight gain than FOOD. I'm not sure if I'm wit that whole "feeding the emptiness inside you" shit, but to me there's something to be said for the sincere JOY I get from having a good meal presented to me... It's like oooooh I'm gonna tear this shit UP! Kinda like sex. That's it. I'm horny for food.

EUREKA!


Anyway I'm almost done with my first cup of "juice" and I must say it isn't bad - I made the mistake of putting the lemon rind in there so that taste overpowers everything else, but I'm happy I'm doing it and happier it's only one day lol

In other news...

I had a smashing V-Day with Minime and her friend - those two heffas had me DYIN with laughter which made the jagged little pill of solitude that much easier to swallow. I'm looking forward to celebrating a late V day with my mean green love-makin machine this weekend - wooo hoooooooooo!

LUNCH TIME! More juice.... peace!