OK so this is what REALLY happened Thursday...

S I G H


I had such a horrific afternoon. This intern here is kind of annoying. I. Hate. Her. She's very... show-offish and makes me generally unhappy. She's a law student and she was all kinds of smart in high school/college and she works at a "fine dining restaurant" and she's been all over the world and her family's rich and she has cool friends and she's got to lose 30 lbs quick because her dad's taking her back to Africa to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro - yes I said BACK. Worst of all, she's trying to steal my best work friend and THAT I will not stand for. Worst of all (even worse than the last worst) she's dreadfully ordinary looking, but she's tall and has a decent body and when she dresses up she looks hot. On the other hand, when she's not dressed up.... oh mercy. She wears these clogs that I wouldn't even wear in my house. Not even if I lived with blind people. Not even in my garage. I wouldn't wear those to take a shit. (If I owned shittin shoes, that is.) Well guess what happened. You can't even GUESS what happened. Little Miss I'm The Shit had a deposition to attend yesterday and she forgot her fancy shoes and guess who she decides to ask to borrow shoes from...? Yours truly. Oh what a tragic move my non-friend. HOW the hell does this shit happen to me?!?!? I haven't known this broad for a month yet; she's not even my co-worker and she's shoving her pointy little smart elbows into my life and her feet into my shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I let her borrow them.

As stated previously, I'm a pussy and I couldn't come up with a lie quick enough... I have a foot fungus... I wear a 14... These are highly sensitive, well trained, Tahari patent leather peep toe pumps that I had specially made and to allow YOU to wear them would be in breach of my contract with the Guatemalan cobbler that worked so hard to make them for me (and me only you pompous heiffer so step off). I totally should've said that.

Instead I asked when she would be back. Gotdammit.

So she happily kicks off her roach stompers and slips her high IQ havin pale feet into my shoes and I wanted to gouge her eyes out. FIRST of all, I don't wear pantyhose so I KNOW those shoes are sweaty, hot and funky. Good luck girlfriend. Secondly because of my awkward legs and heavy walking my heels are fkd up and lean so I have to always make sure I get them fixed every so often for comfort and to keep up with my own stylishness that no one else notices or cares to compliment me on (except for aforementioned best work friend because she rocks). I sat at my desk and REFUSED to get up until she got back because there was no way in HELL I was going to let any part of my body touch her shoes. That's when the wenches I work with started making fun of me..

Hey Candice you wanna walk over to the courthouse? Candice can you come here for a second? Candice it's been an hour, when's she gettin' back with your shoes? Laugh it up bitches... LOL - I'm kidding, I love the chicas I work with.

This is my life. Yay!