The days have been zooming by...a sure sign that I'm getting older. I still remember distinctly what I was doing around this time last year...and how I spent my Christmas. I look back at many holidays in my life..and the relationships I was in lol. The gifts I got and the ones I didn't. The Thanksgivings that were "awkward" because my significant other was "too sick" to come over... All of the signs I ignored for love..
Which brings me to my point...
We constantly sacrifice for the love we want to receive from others...but we can never give ourselves the same kindness. Do you love yourself enough to leave? What about loving the skin you're in and not changing to suit someone else's needs? Can you love the parts of you that for years you've been made to believe are unlovable? Will you love yourself enough to raise your standards, lower your tolerance level, close your legs, open your mind, ignore the booty calls, dismiss the 5011th apology, find your truth, lose the losers and be the best possible you?
I challenge you to do this.
Look in the mirror and search your heart. Truly see your self, sincerely be kind to yourself, accept the things you cannot change, and vow to change the things YOU want to.
This is my current outlook... The simply complex notion that if I love the inside I will be more motivated to change the outside. People gain weight for a plethora of reasons, but I am not pregnant, I do not have thyroid issues or a movie role coming up so I don't necessarily need these extra pounds. What I need is to realize that all these YEARS of one quick fix after the other will never be sustainable (or healthy) if I don't see beauty in who I am NOW. I have a confession...well not a confession, just an embarrassing overshare...but I cried in Forever 21 last night. Not because they're disposable clothes hurt my heart more than just a little bit, but because I can't fit half that shit. Tops and some dresses I can get away with a Large, but for the most part I'm setting myself up for failure. So after browsing with my mother who also shouldn't be here, I just walked out. I got very self conscious about people looking at me with the WTF face like WTF are you doing in here, WTF - you know you can only fit the jewelry and the lip gloss, WTF are you gonna do with that dress? Use it as an ironing board cover? In reality no one was paying me any mind... People could care less.. But I was overwhelmed... I felt the tears welling up and I tried to walk out but it seemed as if the door was much farther away than it was when I walked in...then more girls walked in. Girls in cute blazers and messy buns...girls in cut offs, cute boots and sweaters (don't get me started on this phenomena...bitch are u hot or cold?), girls in jeans that they bought here! It was all too much.
Last year I could shop anywhere I wanted...and cross my legs under a table when I went out. I was more comfortable in my skin and therefore more myself all the time. I liked going out and being cute with minimal effort. Being big it's not so easy for me... I gotta see how my top looks around my gunt area (that's the gut-cunt hanging belly you get after you have a baby...or 6 beers), I have to see if I need a girdle or if my arms look too big - I mean it's an ordeal every single time I leave the house! Not every overweight person goes through this. There are women who not only embrace their size, but are proud of it. I just don't have this ability/mindset. If there's anyone I would say I "envy" it's these women... They look in the mirror and can't help but to snap a photo cuz it looks so good. I look in the mirror and see someone who needs improvement. So I take a pic and I zoom 20 times and I analyze and I reanalyze and I critique and I criticize and I cry and I delete delete delete,, BUT I've never really put in the effort to make the changes I want to see for more than maybe 3 months... I have a personality that isn't easily addicted to anything. Healthy or not. So I'm not the type that can start working out and get hooked. Bump that I start working out - see improvement and celebrate with a brownie sundae! The laziness is strong with this one. *Darth Vader voice*
BUT guess what.. Today is a new day just like many new days I've had and will continue to have until I get this right...until I let go of the negative (shame, guilt, pain, distrust) and slowly learn to love myself because for as many times as I fall, what matters is my desire and will to get back up. Cheers to new beginnings my loves!
~ C
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