Self... self efficacy... self definition... self actualization... self esteem... self regulation... self monitoring... self awareness... self disclosure... self love (ooooh)... self hate. It can be an overwhelming topic for some, myself included.
I have image issues. No secret there... I'm not a mirror hating mad woman, but I can understand the plight of someone who is. My issues are entirely the opposite. I'm incredibly self conscious. I would've hoped this would somehow help with my weight, but it hasn't...I've tried dieting extremes, yes, but I've never harmed myself to achieve a certain look - although I have lost lots of hair getting a weave, but the Chronicles of the Unbeweavable is a blog of it's very own. Moving along, I've realized that I have the capability of being very self-absorbed. Not in a way that is offensive to others or by any means makes me abnormally selfish, but I do spend lots of time in the mirror and I've perfected the cell phone self portrait. If I see a camera approaching I react like Dug from that Pixar movie Up:
SQUIRREL!
Anyway categorically I'm looking for a term that relates to my particular psychosis. I constantly stare at myself (as evidenced by the mirrors I surround myself with AND the bazillion pics I have of myself in my phone...and my daughter's phone. Don't judge me. Anyway I'm not looking at these pictures in admiration, I'm critiquing. Everything. Changes in my face..my hair..how tired I look..my 2000 parts that need contracting,. nipping, tucking, cutting and shrinking. It's tiring and I almost always end up in tears.
But then...
There's that one golden moment where I take a pic I like... I think it was 2007. I was adorable. OK I'm kidding, but these moments are few and far between. The problem IS, I haven't considered adjusting this condescending way of thinking.. I've just adjusted the way I look at my pictures. There are things I know I don't like and won't like so I collect tons of information on improvement, follow said instruction for about a week...2 if I don't get distracted and a lack of results discourages me so I move on. I looked at my shelves in the bathroom and it's a veritable stockpile of "You're Fucked Up, But Here's How to Fix You" items: Acne meds, acne cream, acne gel, teeth whitening toothpaste (all 4 tubes are different brands), teeth whitening kit, teeth whitening strips, cream hair remover (that shouldn't count), spray hair remover, hair growth lotion, hair growth oil - store bought and home made, cellulite cream, tons and tons of foot lotions (I likes em soft), and a STACK of girdles. Holy hellllll. Minime calls em sucker-inners because that's what they do. Keep me in line. Less jiggle when I wiggle and I will withstand ANYTHING. It's like an impenetrable a force-field of spandex and cotton. I love them. Dearly.
But I digress... What is at the root of this self manipulation of love and hate for my own reflection?! Have you experienced the same? I wasn't taught to love myself so the idea seems almost comical, but if I want to be loved shouldn't I love me so that the person I want would be inclined to love me as well? Love me better? Love this insanity outta my system? Is that possible? Can someone love you until you learn to love yourself (OMG! I did it... I KNEW I would use that lyric before week 1 of my rebloggification!! Point: Candice.) But seriously is. that. possible.?? I've never shared this blog or these feelings with someone I was in a relationship with so would I risk losing it all by sharing these thoughts...? As deep, dark and intimate as they are would I consciously jeopardize my future with someone who could potentially be a life partner because I can't change my way of thinking?!?!?!?!
No. Because I've never seriously believed that someone could love me flaws and all anyway.
Hmmmmm..... To be revisited....
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