School: after searching for parking for 15 min, then finding the right building, I went to speak with someone in the Answer Center. What a misnomer... They referred me somewhere else - Student Services... I explain my situation *again* now there's a 20 min wait to meet with someone fin'l aid. I swear college is nothing but student workers, misinformed gum chewers, paperwork & extortion. Hopefully when I go in someone can explain this mess to me.... *Calgon..take me away!*

Just finished one hour on my elliptical machine (that Tay, my mom & I put together last night) and no pieces went flying!! Size 10 - I'm comin for ur ass!

Re-Post

My girl Tanya, a wonderful mama/sister/activist/conscious woman has a wonderful blog: http://www.blkgrl.com/blog/ that I decided to check on... I came across a comment that I posted on her post titled The Black and Brown Divide. I wanted to share my comment and get fresh perspective on this topic bc my audience here is...sparse to say the least but we don't really get into the nitty gritty and while weightloss is a MAJOR headliner in my list of issues, it isn't the only thing I deal with when it comes to my image.
Anyway please read and share your thoughts friends...



(originally posted Aug 2009)

Being of Jamaican and Cuban heritage, I am ALWAYS discouraged by the great ethnic divide. Fortunately I grew up in a family where skin tone was irrelevant and character was valued (except for traffic issues cuz if you cut my grampa off you became a “insert ethnicity here" piece of sh*t). What hurts is that if you go back to Cuba or Puerto Rico or any island/country that’s rich in Latin and Afro-Latin culture, you don’t experience this bigotry because you can be as white as a the fallen snow and have a cousin the beautiful shade of Georgia clay and love and respect transcends the simple difference of skin color. Not to say that it’s a rainbow of love and people of all colors ride unicorns into the sunset, but I honestly think that the historical degradation of Blacks in this country has caused all who come here (of any ethnicity) to feel it’s okay to have separatist, hateful attitudes toward us.

As a parent this KILLS me. I want my daughter to grow up LOVING diversity and the opportunity to learn about other cultures while appreciating her own beautiful blackness, but at 7 years old, she’s already been ostracized as Taylor, the smart Black girl.

Unfortunately we live in a melting pot where most people don’t generally melt and mingle. They kinda cling to the sides and get all yucky… It’s time to get all up in the middle of this pot where shit is hot so we can finally get to the flavor of the issues we need to deal with. (Too much analogizing?) Yeah… So I guess all I can say is I LOVE the fact that I’m a Black woman in this world and when my best friends and I are together we look like a “We Are the World” poster and when we’re old and drinking whiskey - I mean mimosas - we have more countries to vacation to! Yay!

Day...something or other...

So folks guess what?!?!?! I am NOT gaining weight! My scale needs a new battery - already. I was kinda clued in when it said I gained 7 lbs overnight...*cue Twilight Zone music* So THAT is why I haven't weighed in... I'll go buy a new annoying little round battery soon.


So anyway today's topic is one that is close to my heart...and my colon...and the big white throne: POOPING!




Yeah I said it...takin a dump. It's a vital part of weight loss and PERSONALLY it lets me know things are moving along well...get it? "Mooooving along"?
[There are plenty of bowel related puns a'comin so be prepared.]

So I'm always on the hunt for products/foods that will aid in this process and man this shit stinks (zing!). Products with senna are great and if you're from the islands we're all familiar with serassee tea (or bittas, for the bitter taste) - I'm not if I'm spelling that right and neither is google *spell check bitches* so we're just gonna leave it like that until someone corrects me. Of course we know fiber burns fat and allows us to have a smooth move, so my old diet of oatmeal for breakfast, some kind of fish (preferably salmon or mahi mahi) and salad for lunch, fruits for snacks and a light or no dinner worked and I lost weight. *light bulb moment* Hmmm... Anyway fiber not only cleans the pipes, but it burns fat making it an awesome dietary staple. The problem is with an all protein diet things get all backed up and that sucks more than a white girl gone wild. Or me gone wild. Ya know... As much as I love talkin about a good blow job I'm really not that comfortable talkin about a blow job whilst in the midst of the bowel blog because that would just be one shitty discussion (and she goes for 3!).

So of course I even go off on tangents in my blog....What were we talkin about again? Oh yeah. Shit. LOL - why does this tickle me so? Anyway I'm done for the day. Any suggestions for pills or potions that can get my train off the tracks are absolutely welcome!

LOSING WASTE IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF LOSING WEIGHT!






I couldn't stand the misspelling... it's cerasee lol

Day 4

So my morning didn't start off well... that gotdamn weigh-in has me discouraged as hell. I need a REALLY super workout plan as illustrated by the illustrious Nat. I need to kick it into high gear! (I totally in my head had some sort of weird yugiyo karate school teacher voice).... I wanna go for a run and zoooooooooone out or something. I was really into that shit at one point. I'd be the lil work out girl with my towel and my water and my ipod whoosh whooshing on the elliptical machine... Now I'm the bitch driving by the gym with her hand in a Mickey D's bag with a fist full of salty...crispy...golden...fries...


Sorry... It's been about 5 minutes... I totally got a food boner.


OK Anyway uh... I'm tired. This stupid diet has me TIRED. All the time
I have my vitamins now though so that's a super fabulous thing. Maybe I can see those numbers go down now. GO DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

The saga continues...

I gained a pound. WTF?!?!!

*groan*

End of Day 3

Bkfast: I forgot! I was busy on the phone so I sipped some green tea while I facebook'd lol

Snack: Still talking and FB'ing... I had to get my Bejeweled Blitz score up maaaaan!!



Lunch: BBQ chicken wings - not breaded

Snack: Nothin'

Dinner: No. Thing.



I know NOT eating slows my metabolism down, but that 255 fkd my whole head up. Anorexia looks appealing, but I know it doesn't work so I'll get back on track tomorrow.

Night ya'll!

Doom! [or] Kaboom!

Day 3....

It's 7:17 am...my weight is...drum roll please - actually no drums, no need to attract any unnecessary attention to this travesty. 255.2

I was afraid of that... At this point I would do anything short of selling my soul to the devil to lose 80 lbs, improve my credit score, get my own place and get my degree. I may actually have to have a chat with that fallen saint...this is ridiculous.

=0(

Day 2...

THIS dear friends is my new scale... Well actually mine is glass, but I haven't really seen it because I haven't really opened it. Why the HELL can't I weight myself?!?!? I think I'm a-scared of my a-scale... In my head I'm 245 so what if my stupid scale says I'm back up to 260? I'll then be a sad sad Candy and we don't want that...

So... Day 2:

I was AGAIN too tired and cold aka LAZY to go for my walk, but I had my egg whites for bkfast and just had my salmon and salad for lunch and I'm still drinking my ginger/honey/lemon water bc I had a lot left over. I didn't have dinner last night and I may have some apples later, but I'm still hangin in there. I just need to get the exercise in because seriously? I NEED to look super good for my birthday (April 23rd). Can I lose 70 lbs by then? LOL.... please God? Please?

In Other News

There really isn't much other news... I don't know if I've ever showed my stories of angst and woe regarding school, but apparently you can't just DROP a class because ya think ur gonna fail it... well actually u can but apparently not excessively... So out of 75 credits I've attempted, I have 45.
B F D. I have a 3.87 GPA. I thought my method made sense! Well the folks at Valencia (yeah I said it and what?!) disagree... Aside from the crash of life I had in Sept 08 where I failed ALL my classes, got behind on bills, just generally fkd up my LIFE, I was always a pretty good student. But due to my FAILURES I had to write this very descriptive and sad letter (academic appeal) about WHY I failed. I failed because I was carrying too much weight on my shoulders and I know I'm not the only single mom in school, but we don't all handle our situations the same way and it was too much for me between MM's activities, Gramma's activities, school and attempting to have some semblance of a life.

*breathe*

So after about 3 months, my appeal was granted and I FINALLY have financial aid again and I'm waiting to see if some classes open up since the semester has already started. I'm wait-listed for 2 classes so 3 more to graduate... 2 of which I would like to test out of.

[SIDENOTE: I'm typing and I just looked down at my thighs.... they're HUGE!!!!! I like em! But still... too much meat lol.]

Anyway.... that is all for now.. I'm gonna go have some yogurt. Laterz!

Monday

Diet Day #1 - I forgot to weigh in so I'll do it tomorrow and it was too damn cold to walk lol... I have more excuses than... I can't think of anything clever. My brain is malfunctioning. I had egg whites this morning because I forgot not to, but I'm drankin my drank so we'll see how this goes. I don't know why in my mind this was easier to make than the lemonade cleanse stuff. Maybe it's just a good time for me to do this. Anyway I'm peeved blogettes - I come in all hyped about my diet and wtf do I get plopped on my desk.


MFKN GIRL SCOUT CARAMEL DeLITES. Are. You. Shittin me?!?!?!? OK 1) Who the FUCK did this? B) Why must they be so goshdarned deliteful? III) My daughter will NEVER be a gotdamned girlscout since obviously you pubes can't SPELL... I mean seriously! Why chocolaty coconut goodness whyyyyyyy?

But I'm takin the Whitney approach: "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway."

Let's face it. I love food. Really. If I could eat out everyday I would. I love everything about food, but come the eff on already! It's DAY ONE! God, are you there? It's me Candice - whyyyyyyyyyyyyy are there cookieeeeeeeeeeees on my deeeeeeeeeeeeeesk?!?!? Apparently they aren't from the God-forsaken Girl Scout cookie fairy so I ordered them... ya know... back when I was fat.

UGH - I can't WAIT for my "after" so I can look at pictures like the other after assholes do and be like "Oh my GAWD look at how HUGE I was! Why didn't anybody tell me?" Bitch yo mirror told u, the tight ass movie theater seats told u, ur achy knees, worn out girdles, cabinet full of diet SHIT and ur closet full of ur old size 8's that will NEVER COME BACK IN STYLE told u that ur ass put on a couple pounds! The fact that ONLY the drunk dudes at the club fuck wit you...THAT SHOULDA TOLD YOU!!!!!!



You needed ME to tell you? Did I need YOU to hit me?! NO ONE likes to have someone just pounce on them with a "Hey tubby, what gives?" so WHY do people expect there would be droves of "You're fat now!" in texts/emails/smoke signals? Take responsibility for your own actions..cravings..mistakes..ice cream flavors will ya?

So that's where I am now - mentally on board with losing weight. I spend so much time and money on pills/videos/plans/meals etc etc and I'm really sick of it. I know I sound like a whiny little fat baby, but there's more to weight gain than FOOD. I'm not sure if I'm wit that whole "feeding the emptiness inside you" shit, but to me there's something to be said for the sincere JOY I get from having a good meal presented to me... It's like oooooh I'm gonna tear this shit UP! Kinda like sex. That's it. I'm horny for food.

EUREKA!


Anyway I'm almost done with my first cup of "juice" and I must say it isn't bad - I made the mistake of putting the lemon rind in there so that taste overpowers everything else, but I'm happy I'm doing it and happier it's only one day lol

In other news...

I had a smashing V-Day with Minime and her friend - those two heffas had me DYIN with laughter which made the jagged little pill of solitude that much easier to swallow. I'm looking forward to celebrating a late V day with my mean green love-makin machine this weekend - wooo hoooooooooo!

LUNCH TIME! More juice.... peace!

Funny joke!

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds!!!!

About that diet....

I woke up this morning. Hung over. Had no choice but to eat some Golden Oreos. I'm sorry. BUT! I made my drink - not so yummy but I'm still on track to start tomorrow lol.

The saga continues...

Cut the Crap!

(OK so I haven't left yet... watching this horrible movie on LOGO)

I have to seriously get serious about my weight. I'm starting in the morning. Not waiting until "Monday" like most people say. I'll weigh in and log my ridiculously stupid weight and take it from there. Let's do this 10 lbs at a time shall we? Sooo... the meal plan is as follows:

Cleanse
All day Sunday: Ginger, honey, lemon, water - ALL DAY

Wake up (hopefully, please God)
Water w/lemon
2 mile walk/jog

Breakfast
Egg whites, green tea

Lunch
Salmon and mixed green salad OR soup

Dinner
NOTHIN'

I am addicted to eating late, so by NOT eating late, I'll go to bed earlier and wake up refreshed and HUNGRY so I'll fill up on lemon water. Oh oh oh I almost forgot:

Snacks
Trail mix, veggies, fruits, cottage cheese, yogurt

I'll walk 2 more miles in the evening with Minime so we can catch up on our day n all that good ish...Yay!

I gotta keep my life, high protein, high fiber, no/low carb. I'll also be using some supplements... vitamins and fat burners to help move things along. I'm SUPER excited about this. Wish me luck!

Saturday

This may not mean much to YOU, but I'M pissed. off.

I was happily relaxing - Minime is at her friend's house, Gramma got her herr did and ate, now she's on the phone chit chattin wit God-only-knows-who-probably-some-annoying-friend-of-hers so I had some CANDY time and guess what blognites? I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL. Of all God-forsaken places! Altamonte frikkin Mall. I gotta pay my Macy's bill and get my boo boo some Godiva... Now SHE'S worth it but shiiiit man... Macy's? Ugh...

OK - off I go... Later gators.

So...here we are. Walmart. My very own little Great Value hell. People rave abt this place - "walmart has everything!!" No. No they don't. I may be biased because I'm Jamaican and the things I need to survive can't always be found here. But I digress... Walmart consistently let's me down... But this trip is even more annoying than most! Why blogettes?! Becuuuuz of Shmalentine's Day. All these carts filled with little nuggets of love make me sick today. Plus I live in Apopka. The folks here aren't exactly swanky panky. They're more..honky tonky and that makes shopping locally that much more of a thrill. Do I need to see the crack of Jebediah's ass when I'm lookin for my Eggo's? Why is Bo lookin for a rifle in the dairy aisle?! It's pure madness. Fatigue outfits, denim short sets, bad weaves, disgruntled employees, impatient customers and that gotdamn beep of the cash register... Calgon take me away

I always get distracted

I'm supposed to be going home.

Dammit!

Valentne Shmalentine

I'm 27 and I've never been "single" on Valentine's Day... Now I'm not "single" now, but my "man" isn't in "Florida" and I'm really feeling these "quotes" now so I'm totally "ramming" it into the "ground".... Anyway my major peeve is that I did NOT get flowers at work. In all my working years I've gotten flowers. Even if they weren't from my current flava of the month. So this leads me to believe that I'm SLIPPIN. I know I shouldn't be like this and there's more to life and blah blah freakin blah. Save that shit for the pathetic losers that comfort themselves with chocolate and cookies with sprinkle hearts they buy for themselves at Walgreens. This is not a conceited thing is it? It's not like "Oooh look at me, I'm so fab, I should get flowers...meh meh meh" Oh wait. It's exactly like that. Hmmm.. Whatevs look - I'm a good thoughtful loving lovely loved person so WHY the FUCK aren't there some FLOWERS embarrassing me with their sexy long stemmed redness?!?!?!

*breathe*

What are my plans for V-Day you ask? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and it's ok - me and Minime will do something glittery and red I'm sure. I'm also interested in seeing Valentine's Day - eeeeeeeeeverybody and their momma's in that movie. Hell I think MY momma's in that flick too. *cha-ching* I don't know how to feel about this Hallmark holiday this year.... It caused me to be WAY too reflective on some issues I was rather happy to bury like my number of sex partners - never to be unearthed!

It sounds silly, but I'm pretty insecure.

I have all this SHIT to get done... Parenting...parenting well....finding LOVE...being faithful....finishing school....staying in classes and not withdrawing if I'm getting less than an A...being a stellar employee...being on time to work...Paying bills....spending less. It's HARD out here for a pimp lately. Economically, it IS honestly difficult for pimps lately... and coke dealers as well, I'm sure. Anyway I'm just one little ol me and I ALSO have to deal with my fatness. This is the most SERIOUSEST of all of my issues because unlike a fkd up kid, loneliness, unemployment, dumbness and being broke, fat is a problem people can see right away! This pushes it right up to the top of my list. I honestly do believe that when I lose my 70 everything else will fall into place. Ferealz.

OK but let's get Walter Cronkite serious for a moment... I WAS seriously disturbed las night. I even CRIED! I got all contemplative about my LIFE and I got really angry. At my daddy. Don't get me wrong - I love my father. That's part of the problem. That pirate has never had to pay the price for his abandonment and being a general asshole because he's so charming and handsome and it may be some sick twisted Oedipus shit, but I CAN'T stay made at my dad. He's hot! Wait um... yeah..
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So anyway I was tellin my fave cousin/sister/friend, Dreenz, about the horrific chain of events in my life and it all stemmed back to my dad. I don't "blame" him per se. I just think he should've SHOWN me what to expect and what NOT to accept from a man... Sigh - I could go on and on.

Anyway I've been back and forth between blogging this syrupy sweet brain drivel and looking for pics of Beyonce and Raven Symone (stfu I love them) and it's 6pm... I've been off work for a half hour. I'm officially a loser. PEACE OUT!

... hardly working!

So lately I spend my days at work on Facebook and Meebo being the social buttafly that I am and yeah it sounds awesome, but I feel like a major loser. Oh and guilt - I feel guilty. I'm a receptionist. My job is to reception. No, recept. No that's not right. Well whatever... My job is to answer phones and be my usual witty, charming and helpful self which I manage to do while talking to my compadres and updating my status every few hours until I manage to write something clever enough to earn me a few "likes". It's important shit. ANYWAY On to more pressing news.

MY WEIGHT

Now we (and I use that term loosely) made this blog to show my progression from fat to fab, but as you will soon see it's NOT been very successful... I'm just gaining more! So I need to get to the bottom of this....

I copied this from a Food Addicts website:

Are you a food addict?
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? Yes... I thought that was the POINT of a buffet...

2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? HELLO - I have this blog!

3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? Yes. Yes, I do find myself being fat after trying not to be fat...

4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? Yes, but vomiting doesn't work for me - no gag reflex...but that's a story for another blog...

5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? Of COURSE, but I think the fact that I'm 245 lbs let the cat outta the bag that I'm eating more than salad and Special K... just maybe.

6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? My family is Jamaican so they don't "approach" they SWARM and get all inna yuh business...

7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? Yes. Of course I do. SUPERSIZE IT ALL BITCHESSSSSSSS!

8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? OK I'm done wit these damn questions... They're all YES ok? They're allllll yessssssss!!!

9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?
12 Do you eat in secret?
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict. You are not alone. FA offers hope through a real solution to food addiction.

________________________________________________

OK waaaaaaaaaait a minute. If I answer yes to ONE?!?! You bastards, I answered yes to ALLLLL of those gotdamn questions!!!!!! What category do I fall under? SUPER fat ass?!?!?

*sigh*

So I need a PLAN. Any suggestions? I need two plans: MEAL and EXERCISE.

Suggestions welcome. Thanks!

February

I know I keep saying I'll blog more and I really promise I will. So much goes on I can't keep up! Well not really.. that's an excuse. I don't know why I just lied to you. Then again, my day-to-day is pretty abnormal compared to most. Yeah some parts of my day are just work and motherhood, but overall my 'escapades' are what make life interesting. Now I'm not about to go into some torrid literary sexual fantasy session, although I could, so don't go getting ur lotion. I just like to hang out and have fun. I'm blessed to have some really awesome friends in every state I've lived in. But the friends that I've been able to have the MOST fun with in terms of going out and having a good time are definitely the girls I have here in Orlando. I look forward to visiting my friends and catching up and cracking up with them as well but I must say my friends here make sure I'm never bored or lonely lol. This Saturday my friend....let's call her...CQ. So yeah CQ and I decided to try out this new club, Limelite. Now it's an 18+ club, but I'd heard great things about it and the line is always long so I figured it may be ok to check out, plus we were looking for a get in free, drink free deal and they had such an offer. I made a call and got us on the VIP list just in case which came in handy because CQ arrived "ready to party"* and took a while to get from the car to the club. So we get there at 12 and it's hopeful. Looks nice, good music, no one's dancing, bar's packed so after surveying the scene we head to the ladies room... Not for an outfit check bc we already know that situation is good, but CQ reeeeeeeally had to pee and I remember because we were reeeeeally RTP* and I found almost everything pretty damn funny. So anyway in walks the natural enemy. A skinny girl. Now here's the thing with 18+ clubs. These lil college bitches with their perfect bodies make a broad like me look less appealing. That shit is unfknfair. I had a BABY and I'm sure these Hollywood hoes would have u thinking it's easy to just snap back but it's NOT.

[PAUSE: Just got a call. Now tell me reader(s), WTF do people who a) have the wrong number OR b) can't afford the consultation fees for the atty's here feel the need to tell me a) who they're tryina reach or b)details about their case. Either way: I. don't. care.]

OK so where was I, oooooh yeaaaah: the skinny bitches. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hatin on a chick that keeps herself in shape - yeah you "naturally thin" bitches can take a hike - but don't make ME look bad by standing next to me! How dare you!!! So now I'm feeling old and fat but I'm so very conflicted because the music is finally getting good and I'm dancing my ass off well wait - nah it's still there - so I'm doin my thing when it hits me: Do I LOOK like one of those old fat ladies at the club? The ones that don't get that they're old news and look silly. AM I THAT LADY!?!?!?!?! SIGH....

ok I'm sleepy and frustrated now. I'll be back later to tell you about the rest of my night because I know ur on the edge of ur seat absolutely dying to read about every detail...

*drunk

Jan 2010

Hey folks... so it's a new decade which is kind of a "big deal"... I guess.