Thicker than a Snicker (mmmmm Snickers.....)

I Love......

2010-09-04T09:30:00.012-04:00

Random thoughts - I LOVE THAT: Gramma says Mary Blidge w/o the J.. Taylor and I count down the days to the premiere of new Disney channel movies.. My family is super close and everyone's pretty hilarious.. Taylor's father may not be around, but she's so loved by my family & friends that she has mad daddies lol.. I can find a tiny glimmer of hope even in the darkest depths of my sorrow... Taylor's becoming a young lady I'm so proud of, and over the phone she still sounds like she's 5!.. Even when I don't have two nickels to rub together, God always blesses me wit finances or an opportunity to get some paper.. I finally tell my mom exactly wtf I want lol.. My hair! What? I have really nice hair lol.. Taylor is so forgiving - I'm not always a perfect mommy, but she continues to just love me... AAAND I'm losing weight!

2010-06-16T00:06:00.002-04:00

So my mom shows me a shirt: Cane u didn't say anything about my shirt!
Me: Oh that's because I didn't see it (look at shirt) Oh, I just don't like it.
Mom: What? This is a gorgeous shirt!
Me: hmmm.
Mom: What DON'T u like about this shirt?
Me: Besides the "a blind crackhead made me" look? (Then I go on and on)...
Mommy just walks away, goes into Gramma's room then shouts back (as I am still on le toilette) MY MOMMA LIKES MY SHIRT!!!
Me: YO MOMMA THINKS A LIME GREEN STRIPED SHIRT AND HUNTER GREEN PANTS "GO" BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH GREEN!
~silence....
she walks over: What'd-u-say-bout-my-mama?
Me: I saaaaid (then I repeat what I said)!!
Mom: (as she walks off, realizing she's taking fashion advice from some1 that needs a bib to eat out) ..Of all the kids God coulda given me, I get this fkn smartass...
*sigh* Gotta love ur family!!!

2010-05-29T13:31:00.001-04:00

Hello dearest friends... It's been about a month o' Sundays since I last updated u on my progress & guess what? I've lost 36 lbs!!! How? STRESS & MILD ANOREXIA! *yess!* Nah fereal - I eat half a bagel, some fruit, and make it last all day, usually no appetite for lunch/dinner, and lots of water. This is really not the way I intended to drop the lbs, but with motherhood, school and a 2nd job I just don't have time. PLUS I'm poor so gotdamn Valencia dropped 3 of my classes - I'm stuck there for another semester instead of graduating in August. Fuck u college...with ur tricks, tactics & innuendo. Fuck u hard. And I'm not even callin u. Yeah bitch and what?!?! ...*crickets*...Sorry. I don't mean it baby, I love u!!! (I'm not a punk ya'll! I'm protecting my GPA & financial future.) Anyway let's see....anything new with me? New people, new possibilities, new program! Finally happy! Haters keep it up - ILY2!

2010-04-09T09:08:00.001-04:00

Some of you may have heard about my love/hate relationship with the school crossing guard. She's supposed to wave at drivers as they pass by (oh yeah and help little sprouts cross the street without getting plowed), but sometimes she totally ignores me! I've seen her ass at Walmart at I'm >< this close to askin her what her gotdamn problem is but thus far I've managed to refrain.. So this morning she waves..waves..waves and when I get up to the intersection this heffa stops. waving. WTF?! So u know me (if not, u should - I'm awesome), I rolled down my window, start flailing my arms and smiling I yell GOOD MORNING!!!! It was so obnoxiously delicious I didn't even care that traffic sucked and my hair frizzed up on the way to work! Happy Friday!!!

2010-03-04T13:08:00.001-05:00

School: after searching for parking for 15 min, then finding the right building, I went to speak with someone in the Answer Center. What a misnomer... They referred me somewhere else - Student Services... I explain my situation *again* now there's a 20 min wait to meet with someone fin'l aid. I swear college is nothing but student workers, misinformed gum chewers, paperwork & extortion. Hopefully when I go in someone can explain this mess to me.... *Calgon..take me away!*

2010-02-27T08:16:00.001-05:00

Just finished one hour on my elliptical machine (that Tay, my mom & I put together last night) and no pieces went flying!! Size 10 - I'm comin for ur ass!

Re-Post

2010-02-25T11:56:00.004-05:00

My girl Tanya, a wonderful mama/sister/activist/conscious woman has a wonderful blog: http://www.blkgrl.com/blog/ that I decided to check on... I came across a comment that I posted on her post titled The Black and Brown Divide. I wanted to share my comment and get fresh perspective on this topic bc my audience here is...sparse to say the least but we don't really get into the nitty gritty and while weightloss is a MAJOR headliner in my list of issues, it isn't the only thing I deal with when it comes to my image.
Anyway please read and share your thoughts friends...

(originally posted Aug 2009)

Being of Jamaican and Cuban heritage, I am ALWAYS discouraged by the great ethnic divide. Fortunately I grew up in a family where skin tone was irrelevant and character was valued (except for traffic issues cuz if you cut my grampa off you became a “insert ethnicity here" piece of sh*t). What hurts is that if you go back to Cuba or Puerto Rico or any island/country that’s rich in Latin and Afro-Latin culture, you don’t experience this bigotry because you can be as white as a the fallen snow and have a cousin the beautiful shade of Georgia clay and love and respect transcends the simple difference of skin color. Not to say that it’s a rainbow of love and people of all colors ride unicorns into the sunset, but I honestly think that the historical degradation of Blacks in this country has caused all who come here (of any ethnicity) to feel it’s okay to have separatist, hateful attitudes toward us.

As a parent this KILLS me. I want my daughter to grow up LOVING diversity and the opportunity to learn about other cultures while appreciating her own beautiful blackness, but at 7 years old, she’s already been ostracized as Taylor, the smart Black girl.

Unfortunately we live in a melting pot where most people don’t generally melt and mingle. They kinda cling to the sides and get all yucky… It’s time to get all up in the middle of this pot where shit is hot so we can finally get to the flavor of the issues we need to deal with. (Too much analogizing?) Yeah… So I guess all I can say is I LOVE the fact that I’m a Black woman in this world and when my best friends and I are together we look like a “We Are the World” poster and when we’re old and drinking whiskey - I mean mimosas - we have more countries to vacation to! Yay!

Day...something or other...

2010-02-23T15:07:00.004-05:00

So folks guess what?!?!?! I am NOT gaining weight! My scale needs a new battery - already. I was kinda clued in when it said I gained 7 lbs overnight...*cue Twilight Zone music* So THAT is why I haven't weighed in... I'll go buy a new annoying little round battery soon.

So anyway today's topic is one that is close to my heart...and my colon...and the big white throne: POOPING!

Yeah I said it...takin a dump. It's a vital part of weight loss and PERSONALLY it lets me know things are moving along well...get it? "Mooooving along"?
[There are plenty of bowel related puns a'comin so be prepared.]

So I'm always on the hunt for products/foods that will aid in this process and man this shit stinks (zing!). Products with senna are great and if you're from the islands we're all familiar with serassee tea (or bittas, for the bitter taste) - I'm not if I'm spelling that right and neither is google *spell check bitches* so we're just gonna leave it like that until someone corrects me. Of course we know fiber burns fat and allows us to have a smooth move, so my old diet of oatmeal for breakfast, some kind of fish (preferably salmon or mahi mahi) and salad for lunch, fruits for snacks and a light or no dinner worked and I lost weight. *light bulb moment* Hmmm... Anyway fiber not only cleans the pipes, but it burns fat making it an awesome dietary staple. The problem is with an all protein diet things get all backed up and that sucks more than a white girl gone wild. Or me gone wild. Ya know... As much as I love talkin about a good blow job I'm really not that comfortable talkin about a blow job whilst in the midst of the bowel blog because that would just be one shitty discussion (and she goes for 3!).

So of course I even go off on tangents in my blog....What were we talkin about again? Oh yeah. Shit. LOL - why does this tickle me so? Anyway I'm done for the day. Any suggestions for pills or potions that can get my train off the tracks are absolutely welcome!

LOSING WASTE IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF LOSING WEIGHT!

I couldn't stand the misspelling... it's cerasee lol

Day 4

2010-02-18T15:09:00.002-05:00

So my morning didn't start off well... that gotdamn weigh-in has me discouraged as hell. I need a REALLY super workout plan as illustrated by the illustrious Nat. I need to kick it into high gear! (I totally in my head had some sort of weird yugiyo karate school teacher voice).... I wanna go for a run and zoooooooooone out or something. I was really into that shit at one point. I'd be the lil work out girl with my towel and my water and my ipod whoosh whooshing on the elliptical machine... Now I'm the bitch driving by the gym with her hand in a Mickey D's bag with a fist full of salty...crispy...golden...fries...

Sorry... It's been about 5 minutes... I totally got a food boner.

OK Anyway uh... I'm tired. This stupid diet has me TIRED. All the time
I have my vitamins now though so that's a super fabulous thing. Maybe I can see those numbers go down now. GO DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

The saga continues...

2010-02-18T07:45:00.002-05:00

I gained a pound. WTF?!?!!

*groan*

End of Day 3

2010-02-17T21:34:00.002-05:00

Bkfast: I forgot! I was busy on the phone so I sipped some green tea while I facebook'd lol

Snack: Still talking and FB'ing... I had to get my Bejeweled Blitz score up maaaaan!!

Lunch: BBQ chicken wings - not breaded

Snack: Nothin'

Dinner: No. Thing.

I know NOT eating slows my metabolism down, but that 255 fkd my whole head up. Anorexia looks appealing, but I know it doesn't work so I'll get back on track tomorrow.

Night ya'll!

Doom! [or] Kaboom!

2010-02-17T07:22:00.003-05:00

Day 3....

It's 7:17 am...my weight is...drum roll please - actually no drums, no need to attract any unnecessary attention to this travesty. 255.2

I was afraid of that... At this point I would do anything short of selling my soul to the devil to lose 80 lbs, improve my credit score, get my own place and get my degree. I may actually have to have a chat with that fallen saint...this is ridiculous.

=0(

Day 2...

2010-02-16T13:41:00.005-05:00

THIS dear friends is my new scale... Well actually mine is glass, but I haven't really seen it because I haven't really opened it. Why the HELL can't I weight myself?!?!? I think I'm a-scared of my a-scale... In my head I'm 245 so what if my stupid scale says I'm back up to 260? I'll then be a sad sad Candy and we don't want that...

So... Day 2:

I was AGAIN too tired and cold aka LAZY to go for my walk, but I had my egg whites for bkfast and just had my salmon and salad for lunch and I'm still drinking my ginger/honey/lemon water bc I had a lot left over. I didn't have dinner last night and I may have some apples later, but I'm still hangin in there. I just need to get the exercise in because seriously? I NEED to look super good for my birthday (April 23rd). Can I lose 70 lbs by then? LOL.... please God? Please?

In Other News

There really isn't much other news... I don't know if I've ever showed my stories of angst and woe regarding school, but apparently you can't just DROP a class because ya think ur gonna fail it... well actually u can but apparently not excessively... So out of 75 credits I've attempted, I have 45.
B F D. I have a 3.87 GPA. I thought my method made sense! Well the folks at Valencia (yeah I said it and what?!) disagree... Aside from the crash of life I had in Sept 08 where I failed ALL my classes, got behind on bills, just generally fkd up my LIFE, I was always a pretty good student. But due to my FAILURES I had to write this very descriptive and sad letter (academic appeal) about WHY I failed. I failed because I was carrying too much weight on my shoulders and I know I'm not the only single mom in school, but we don't all handle our situations the same way and it was too much for me between MM's activities, Gramma's activities, school and attempting to have some semblance of a life.

*breathe*

So after about 3 months, my appeal was granted and I FINALLY have financial aid again and I'm waiting to see if some classes open up since the semester has already started. I'm wait-listed for 2 classes so 3 more to graduate... 2 of which I would like to test out of.

[SIDENOTE: I'm typing and I just looked down at my thighs.... they're HUGE!!!!! I like em! But still... too much meat lol.]

Anyway.... that is all for now.. I'm gonna go have some yogurt. Laterz!

Monday

2010-02-15T10:37:00.008-05:00

Diet Day #1 - I forgot to weigh in so I'll do it tomorrow and it was too damn cold to walk lol... I have more excuses than... I can't think of anything clever. My brain is malfunctioning. I had egg whites this morning because I forgot not to, but I'm drankin my drank so we'll see how this goes. I don't know why in my mind this was easier to make than the lemonade cleanse stuff. Maybe it's just a good time for me to do this. Anyway I'm peeved blogettes - I come in all hyped about my diet and wtf do I get plopped on my desk.

MFKN GIRL SCOUT CARAMEL DeLITES. Are. You. Shittin me?!?!?!? OK 1) Who the FUCK did this? B) Why must they be so goshdarned deliteful? III) My daughter will NEVER be a gotdamned girlscout since obviously you pubes can't SPELL... I mean seriously! Why chocolaty coconut goodness whyyyyyyy?

But I'm takin the Whitney approach: "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway."

Let's face it. I love food. Really. If I could eat out everyday I would. I love everything about food, but come the eff on already! It's DAY ONE! God, are you there? It's me Candice - whyyyyyyyyyyyyy are there cookieeeeeeeeeeees on my deeeeeeeeeeeeeesk?!?!? Apparently they aren't from the God-forsaken Girl Scout cookie fairy so I ordered them... ya know... back when I was fat.

UGH - I can't WAIT for my "after" so I can look at pictures like the other after assholes do and be like "Oh my GAWD look at how HUGE I was! Why didn't anybody tell me?" Bitch yo mirror told u, the tight ass movie theater seats told u, ur achy knees, worn out girdles, cabinet full of diet SHIT and ur closet full of ur old size 8's that will NEVER COME BACK IN STYLE told u that ur ass put on a couple pounds! The fact that ONLY the drunk dudes at the club fuck wit you...THAT SHOULDA TOLD YOU!!!!!!

You needed ME to tell you? Did I need YOU to hit me?! NO ONE likes to have someone just pounce on them with a "Hey tubby, what gives?" so WHY do people expect there would be droves of "You're fat now!" in texts/emails/smoke signals? Take responsibility for your own actions..cravings..mistakes..ice cream flavors will ya?

So that's where I am now - mentally on board with losing weight. I spend so much time and money on pills/videos/plans/meals etc etc and I'm really sick of it. I know I sound like a whiny little fat baby, but there's more to weight gain than FOOD. I'm not sure if I'm wit that whole "feeding the emptiness inside you" shit, but to me there's something to be said for the sincere JOY I get from having a good meal presented to me... It's like oooooh I'm gonna tear this shit UP! Kinda like sex. That's it. I'm horny for food.

EUREKA!

Anyway I'm almost done with my first cup of "juice" and I must say it isn't bad - I made the mistake of putting the lemon rind in there so that taste overpowers everything else, but I'm happy I'm doing it and happier it's only one day lol

In other news...

I had a smashing V-Day with Minime and her friend - those two heffas had me DYIN with laughter which made the jagged little pill of solitude that much easier to swallow. I'm looking forward to celebrating a late V day with my mean green love-makin machine this weekend - wooo hoooooooooo!

LUNCH TIME! More juice.... peace!

2010-02-14T17:41:00.001-05:00

Funny joke!

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds!!!!

2010-02-14T13:18:00.001-05:00

About that diet....

I woke up this morning. Hung over. Had no choice but to eat some Golden Oreos. I'm sorry. BUT! I made my drink - not so yummy but I'm still on track to start tomorrow lol.

The saga continues...

Cut the Crap!

2010-02-13T19:32:00.003-05:00

(OK so I haven't left yet... watching this horrible movie on LOGO)

I have to seriously get serious about my weight. I'm starting in the morning. Not waiting until "Monday" like most people say. I'll weigh in and log my ridiculously stupid weight and take it from there. Let's do this 10 lbs at a time shall we? Sooo... the meal plan is as follows:

Cleanse
All day Sunday: Ginger, honey, lemon, water - ALL DAY

Wake up (hopefully, please God)
Water w/lemon
2 mile walk/jog

Breakfast
Egg whites, green tea

Lunch
Salmon and mixed green salad OR soup

Dinner
NOTHIN'

I am addicted to eating late, so by NOT eating late, I'll go to bed earlier and wake up refreshed and HUNGRY so I'll fill up on lemon water. Oh oh oh I almost forgot:

Snacks
Trail mix, veggies, fruits, cottage cheese, yogurt

I'll walk 2 more miles in the evening with Minime so we can catch up on our day n all that good ish...Yay!

I gotta keep my life, high protein, high fiber, no/low carb. I'll also be using some supplements... vitamins and fat burners to help move things along. I'm SUPER excited about this. Wish me luck!

Saturday

2010-02-13T18:41:00.002-05:00

This may not mean much to YOU, but I'M pissed. off.

I was happily relaxing - Minime is at her friend's house, Gramma got her herr did and ate, now she's on the phone chit chattin wit God-only-knows-who-probably-some-annoying-friend-of-hers so I had some CANDY time and guess what blognites? I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL. Of all God-forsaken places! Altamonte frikkin Mall. I gotta pay my Macy's bill and get my boo boo some Godiva... Now SHE'S worth it but shiiiit man... Macy's? Ugh...

OK - off I go... Later gators.

2010-02-13T15:53:00.001-05:00

So...here we are. Walmart. My very own little Great Value hell. People rave abt this place - "walmart has everything!!" No. No they don't. I may be biased because I'm Jamaican and the things I need to survive can't always be found here. But I digress... Walmart consistently let's me down... But this trip is even more annoying than most! Why blogettes?! Becuuuuz of Shmalentine's Day. All these carts filled with little nuggets of love make me sick today. Plus I live in Apopka. The folks here aren't exactly swanky panky. They're more..honky tonky and that makes shopping locally that much more of a thrill. Do I need to see the crack of Jebediah's ass when I'm lookin for my Eggo's? Why is Bo lookin for a rifle in the dairy aisle?! It's pure madness. Fatigue outfits, denim short sets, bad weaves, disgruntled employees, impatient customers and that gotdamn beep of the cash register... Calgon take me away

I always get distracted

2010-02-12T18:12:00.001-05:00

I'm supposed to be going home.

Dammit!

Valentne Shmalentine

2010-02-12T15:08:00.004-05:00

I'm 27 and I've never been "single" on Valentine's Day... Now I'm not "single" now, but my "man" isn't in "Florida" and I'm really feeling these "quotes" now so I'm totally "ramming" it into the "ground".... Anyway my major peeve is that I did NOT get flowers at work. In all my working years I've gotten flowers. Even if they weren't from my current flava of the month. So this leads me to believe that I'm SLIPPIN. I know I shouldn't be like this and there's more to life and blah blah freakin blah. Save that shit for the pathetic losers that comfort themselves with chocolate and cookies with sprinkle hearts they buy for themselves at Walgreens. This is not a conceited thing is it? It's not like "Oooh look at me, I'm so fab, I should get flowers...meh meh meh" Oh wait. It's exactly like that. Hmmm.. Whatevs look - I'm a good thoughtful loving lovely loved person so WHY the FUCK aren't there some FLOWERS embarrassing me with their sexy long stemmed redness?!?!?!

*breathe*

What are my plans for V-Day you ask? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and it's ok - me and Minime will do something glittery and red I'm sure. I'm also interested in seeing Valentine's Day - eeeeeeeeeverybody and their momma's in that movie. Hell I think MY momma's in that flick too. *cha-ching* I don't know how to feel about this Hallmark holiday this year.... It caused me to be WAY too reflective on some issues I was rather happy to bury like my number of sex partners - never to be unearthed!

It sounds silly, but I'm pretty insecure.

I have all this SHIT to get done... Parenting...parenting well....finding LOVE...being faithful....finishing school....staying in classes and not withdrawing if I'm getting less than an A...being a stellar employee...being on time to work...Paying bills....spending less. It's HARD out here for a pimp lately. Economically, it IS honestly difficult for pimps lately... and coke dealers as well, I'm sure. Anyway I'm just one little ol me and I ALSO have to deal with my fatness. This is the most SERIOUSEST of all of my issues because unlike a fkd up kid, loneliness, unemployment, dumbness and being broke, fat is a problem people can see right away! This pushes it right up to the top of my list. I honestly do believe that when I lose my 70 everything else will fall into place. Ferealz.

OK but let's get Walter Cronkite serious for a moment... I WAS seriously disturbed las night. I even CRIED! I got all contemplative about my LIFE and I got really angry. At my daddy. Don't get me wrong - I love my father. That's part of the problem. That pirate has never had to pay the price for his abandonment and being a general asshole because he's so charming and handsome and it may be some sick twisted Oedipus shit, but I CAN'T stay made at my dad. He's hot! Wait um... yeah..
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So anyway I was tellin my fave cousin/sister/friend, Dreenz, about the horrific chain of events in my life and it all stemmed back to my dad. I don't "blame" him per se. I just think he should've SHOWN me what to expect and what NOT to accept from a man... Sigh - I could go on and on.

Anyway I've been back and forth between blogging this syrupy sweet brain drivel and looking for pics of Beyonce and Raven Symone (stfu I love them) and it's 6pm... I've been off work for a half hour. I'm officially a loser. PEACE OUT!

... hardly working!

2010-02-09T22:05:00.004-05:00

So lately I spend my days at work on Facebook and Meebo being the social buttafly that I am and yeah it sounds awesome, but I feel like a major loser. Oh and guilt - I feel guilty. I'm a receptionist. My job is to reception. No, recept. No that's not right. Well whatever... My job is to answer phones and be my usual witty, charming and helpful self which I manage to do while talking to my compadres and updating my status every few hours until I manage to write something clever enough to earn me a few "likes". It's important shit. ANYWAY On to more pressing news.

MY WEIGHT

Now we (and I use that term loosely) made this blog to show my progression from fat to fab, but as you will soon see it's NOT been very successful... I'm just gaining more! So I need to get to the bottom of this....

I copied this from a Food Addicts website:

Are you a food addict?
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? Yes... I thought that was the POINT of a buffet...

2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? HELLO - I have this blog!

3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? Yes. Yes, I do find myself being fat after trying not to be fat...

4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? Yes, but vomiting doesn't work for me - no gag reflex...but that's a story for another blog...

5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? Of COURSE, but I think the fact that I'm 245 lbs let the cat outta the bag that I'm eating more than salad and Special K... just maybe.

6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? My family is Jamaican so they don't "approach" they SWARM and get all inna yuh business...

7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? Yes. Of course I do. SUPERSIZE IT ALL BITCHESSSSSSSS!

8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? OK I'm done wit these damn questions... They're all YES ok? They're allllll yessssssss!!!

9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?
12 Do you eat in secret?
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict. You are not alone. FA offers hope through a real solution to food addiction.

________________________________________________

OK waaaaaaaaaait a minute. If I answer yes to ONE?!?! You bastards, I answered yes to ALLLLL of those gotdamn questions!!!!!! What category do I fall under? SUPER fat ass?!?!?

*sigh*

So I need a PLAN. Any suggestions? I need two plans: MEAL and EXERCISE.

Suggestions welcome. Thanks!

February

2010-02-01T09:05:00.004-05:00

I know I keep saying I'll blog more and I really promise I will. So much goes on I can't keep up! Well not really.. that's an excuse. I don't know why I just lied to you. Then again, my day-to-day is pretty abnormal compared to most. Yeah some parts of my day are just work and motherhood, but overall my 'escapades' are what make life interesting. Now I'm not about to go into some torrid literary sexual fantasy session, although I could, so don't go getting ur lotion. I just like to hang out and have fun. I'm blessed to have some really awesome friends in every state I've lived in. But the friends that I've been able to have the MOST fun with in terms of going out and having a good time are definitely the girls I have here in Orlando. I look forward to visiting my friends and catching up and cracking up with them as well but I must say my friends here make sure I'm never bored or lonely lol. This Saturday my friend....let's call her...CQ. So yeah CQ and I decided to try out this new club, Limelite. Now it's an 18+ club, but I'd heard great things about it and the line is always long so I figured it may be ok to check out, plus we were looking for a get in free, drink free deal and they had such an offer. I made a call and got us on the VIP list just in case which came in handy because CQ arrived "ready to party"* and took a while to get from the car to the club. So we get there at 12 and it's hopeful. Looks nice, good music, no one's dancing, bar's packed so after surveying the scene we head to the ladies room... Not for an outfit check bc we already know that situation is good, but CQ reeeeeeeally had to pee and I remember because we were reeeeeally RTP* and I found almost everything pretty damn funny. So anyway in walks the natural enemy. A skinny girl. Now here's the thing with 18+ clubs. These lil college bitches with their perfect bodies make a broad like me look less appealing. That shit is unfknfair. I had a BABY and I'm sure these Hollywood hoes would have u thinking it's easy to just snap back but it's NOT.

[PAUSE: Just got a call. Now tell me reader(s), WTF do people who a) have the wrong number OR b) can't afford the consultation fees for the atty's here feel the need to tell me a) who they're tryina reach or b)details about their case. Either way: I. don't. care.]

OK so where was I, oooooh yeaaaah: the skinny bitches. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hatin on a chick that keeps herself in shape - yeah you "naturally thin" bitches can take a hike - but don't make ME look bad by standing next to me! How dare you!!! So now I'm feeling old and fat but I'm so very conflicted because the music is finally getting good and I'm dancing my ass off well wait - nah it's still there - so I'm doin my thing when it hits me: Do I LOOK like one of those old fat ladies at the club? The ones that don't get that they're old news and look silly. AM I THAT LADY!?!?!?!?! SIGH....

ok I'm sleepy and frustrated now. I'll be back later to tell you about the rest of my night because I know ur on the edge of ur seat absolutely dying to read about every detail...

*drunk

Jan 2010

2010-01-13T16:58:00.002-05:00

Hey folks... so it's a new decade which is kind of a "big deal"... I guess.

Dreadful Sorrow

2010-01-10T22:13:00.001-05:00

So generally I'm having a WONDERFUL New Year and have even embarked on what seems to be developing into love. Yeah I don't mess around with affairs of the heart - I gets down to business. The only problem is my ex is a MANIAC... More later...

Oh Cellulite... Who Invited YOU to the party? (12/16/09)

2009-12-16T09:57:00.004-05:00

So guess what readers? I have body dimples in my thighs and it's RIDICULOUS. WTF! These bastards just showed up one day and my then wonderful and loving man said - wtf did those come from? This amongst other slips in judgment and good common sense is why he's an ex. Anyway HOW do I get rid of this?!?!?!?!! Creams, oils, gels, machines?? I hope when I get serious about my workouts I'll lose the cottage cheeses too cuz they are NOT welcome!!!

December Already!

2009-12-10T09:43:00.007-05:00

I keep saying I'm going to blog everyday, but I don't because I'm pretty much a lazy fart that would rather talk to my peeps near and far in IMs all day than to talk here by myself. So let's get caught up shall we...

We last spoke in depth in June I think and a LOT has happened over the past 6 months. FIRSTOFALL - Drop Dead Diva! How fab was that show?!?!?! Now I'm into House, The Office, Glee and Flash Forward just in case you care... Anyhoo Minime is out of karate (although those raahtid people still have me under contract) and back in Ballet/Jazz and we added hip hop because honestly I needed proof my daughter is really Black. Like fereal. I took her out of cheer for now because I don't have the time! I'm back in school *go me*, but only taking one class and the semester is actually over now and I'm pretty moffed to say I'm getting an A *doin the cabbage patch*.

Life was pretty smooth and then I got proposed to on September 26th... I know I know - I was shocked too. Then a few weeks later Mr. Sunshine and I found out we were expecting! How delightful. Things started to rapidly roll tumble and eventually die downhill faster than Sonny Bono. Literally. We lost the baby on November 14th and ended the relationship November 28th. Only problem is it's not reeeeeally ending because he's not reeeeeeally leaving. Emotions suck. It would be easier if I moved to Kalamazoo but I don't exactly know where that is and who knows if I'd be able to find a good salon there because I'm no good to anyone without a blow and a doobie *can I get a witness*. Speaking of which I'm really thinking of getting a weave...Any opinions? ANYWAY am I sad? Yeah... Am I annoyed? Hell yeah... Am I gonna survive? Fuck yeah... Playin a mash of Britney: Stronger than yesterday... and Destiny's Child: I'm a survivor, I'm not gon' give up. Awwwwww shit - that would be kinda interracial lesbo hot. Musically I mean. Yeah....

So this Christmas I'm praying for peace and all I want is a way to lose 70 lbs. I'm fkn 245 now *grumble grumble*. I'm kinda stuck in this zone, but I should be happy bc I went up to 260 this year. I'm really inspired by this season's Biggest Loser though - inspired to get skinny and get me a man!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see that proposal?!?! *whoot whoot* Nah chill - I don't wanna be skinny per se. I love my ~dangerous curves~ but I don't think people are meant to have more than one belly. Are they? I've got the one in my pants and the one hangin over my pants (suckin in as I type...) and trust me it's not as cute as it sounds.

I mean don't get me wrong - there are some women who looooove being thick, full-figured, blahblahblah, but this ain't THICKNESS... this is fatness. I wish I could be one of those people that zone out at the gym or on a run and don't stop til they've burned x amount of calories so they've x amount of weight that day. Instead I'm one of those people that zone out wit Starbuck's ice cream or margaritas until I feel x amount of pain melt away *frown*. I'm getting dizzy from sucking in my belly...

Anyway comrades the purpose of my blog was to empower myself wit this weight SHIT so I guess I should hop back on that fitness train. *Come on ride the train.. and ride it! CHOO CHOO!* I so wish I could just get a tiny little food disorder and lose a good 50.... oooh and I'm always in the market for a stomach virus. *Thought bubble: schedule colonic asap* So far this week I've been pretty good except for an Ale House binge Monday night, but that was our "Last Supper" before starting another new diet/fitness regimen so don't watch that lol. Special K for bkfast and a frozen dinner for lunch and some not-so-terrible snacks in between. We'll check the scale on Saturdays. I'm not ready for daily weigh-ins YET.

What else, what else... OH!!!!!!!!! I went home for Thanksgiving and guess who I saw people?!?! Mr. NY - remember him? Oh yes honeys he was lookin G-DOUBLE O-D lemme tell ya.. it was H A R D to resist him... Can u keep a secret? Shhh... Come closer... closer ::I DIDN'T RESIST HIM::. Come on now ya'll know me - I was on that sexy bitch like a fly on shit!(Shout out to my big sister Tiff for her assistance!) Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Again and again and AGAIN sweet Jesus. I'm talkin hard multiple sins. Sigh... I still love Mr. NY. That sexy muthafucka could get it again right now. For free even!

Oh life. How I love thee... LOL

An Ode to July

2009-07-31T09:53:00.002-04:00

Oh 7th month of the year... Over already?

The End.

Happy Month of June!

2009-06-05T09:29:00.002-04:00

So here we are my boobs, friensters and blog browsers... It's JUNE! I just came back from a lovely trip and I'm so tanned and relaxed and I've been drinking every night since I've been back because honestly I didn't even wanna come back. I've decided that I want to live somewhere where I'm a short walk away from the beach. It's so therapeutic.

Anydamnway.

Nothing really new going on. I'm still in love, but in a more lovey deep love love way... Taking the summer off from school... Minime did smashingly well in 2nd grade this year so I'm pretty proud of her... Work is great (I've been watching Jem reruns all day)... My mom is still here and ya know what? That's about all I'm gonna say about that.

I'm in a decent mood - could be better, but I'm eating soggy raisin bran and that just brings me down man. Nothing worse than soggy bran flakes. Well maybe famine and cancer, but still...

Candice's Birthday Eve!!!!!!

2009-04-22T09:34:00.003-04:00

Hello FRIENDS!

I'm soooooooooooo excited! I've been away for so long because of school and shit like that, and I have LOTS of BIG projects due this week so I shouldn't even be here, but I had to share how happy I am to have all (cough cough 4) of you in my life. I'm going to be 27 tomorrow (hold the applause) and I'm pretty happy about it for some reason. I didn't really give a rat's ass before, but no matter how old or young we are the b'day is a SPECIAL day.

I don't have any plans because it IS a school night you know, but I'm sending my mom flowers - THANKS FOR THE BIG PUSH, I COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YA! Maybe dinner and drinks Friday night. Minime sure loves that tequila! I'm kidding. She's a rum baby like her momma. Anyway I must be going. To update you everything is going SPLENDIDLY with The Man. He's still awesome wonderful and sexy and says I'm a princess. (Damn straight I am!) He treats minime, Gramma and I REALLY well so it's a YES from all the judges here on Boyfriend Idol.

OH OH OH!

DRAMA with the biodad though. LOL - I called him bc I need his permission if I want to get Minime a passport which I think is MAJOR bs. I didn't even bring that up, I called him and was basically like ok wtf is really going on here? I don't even ask u for money, but the least you can do is call her and he's like "How do you expect me to get close to someone I'm never gonna even know or see?" I was FLOORED. Boobs I've bent over backwards for him to be a part of her life so to hear him blame me was a real punch in the gut - not just a slap in the face. So I said my piece - that she needs a father in her life etc etc and if he's not willing to step up it's unfair because there is someone in her life who would love to. So he's like alright well 'I have to go to sleep because I have to work in the morning' and that he would call me in the afternoon. Well fuck me wit a candlestick - you have a fucking JOB congratulations. Friends would you believe he had the NERVE to sound all holier than though about it too, as though I haven't been busting my hump working for the past 10 years of my short life? I wanted to throw UP. I was like no that won't be necessary this can be resolved if you just sign away your rights. Then he started getting all angry and hostile and after lots of blah blah blah said "Whatever makes you happy." I was like well I've never bad-mouthed you to Minime although you deserve it; I never told her you were in jail and while incarcerated I was bringing her to see you and ya somehow chose to get someone else pregnant when you should've been trying to have a relationship with your daughter; I never told her after you got outta jail instead of tryina get ur life together for your kids' sake you got addicted to angel dust and all sortsa crap; I'm not the one who calls twice a year (only AFTER I've called you) and promised the child the moon and stars and NEVER called back; I've never abandoned her and put my needs ahead of hers so no u moron, it's never been about making ME happy you piece of rat shit. Friends I laid in on him so hard he's still wiping his manhood from the crack of his ass. I was trying so hard not to cry and I think a little part of me is still scared of him like I was when I was 16. Weird. Anyway he goes, "Aight whatever then, when you get the paperwork together, call me and I'll give you an address to mail them to."

WHAT. A. PUSSY.

So folks, I was all angry but now I can breathe a sigh of relief because guess what? When Chef and I get married he wants to adopt her - he's actually the one that was pushing me to get the ball rolling so there's a silver lining to this dark cloud thank you JESUS. I can't WAIT to finish school, get hitched enjoy some married time and give Minime lots of siblings.... Time to start daydreaming - catch ya later.

Spam Mail...

2009-04-09T00:07:00.003-04:00

ANTONIO J DEMBO JR wrote:

ANTONIO DEMBO JR
TEL: + 44-702-4038051
Email: josephdembo142@yahoo.com.hk

Dear sir/madam

I strongly believe that this message would come to you as a surprise.Infact, it is in respect of the strict confidence given to me that you are honest
andversatile in business that motivated my interest to seek your co-operation in this transaction. My father was late general Antonio Dembo the former vice
president of UNITA rebels in Angola.

He was the chairman of Angolan Petroleum Monitoring Committee (APMC) 1992 to 2002. Sadly, he died after an injury sustained during the ambush on the UNITA
rebels on 27th February 2002 where the President of UNITA, Dr.Jonas Savimbi was killed. As you might have known, petroleum is the major revenue source in Angola
(Southern Africa). My father made a lot of money through the job but could not invest the money immediately to avoid probe by the Military Government.

He was able to save the sum of $80,000,000.00(Eighty Million United States Dollars). He deposited this sum with a private security firm in London. The
documents used in these depositions, together with the key of the safe, are with my Mother. In my father's will, he instructed that this money must be
invested overseas with the help of a foreigner/trustee who is reliable and trustworthy so as to avoid probe by the Federal Government of Angola, since he
was a general in the war torn Angola and could not have amassed such wealth legally.

We shall arrange a face to face meeting with the security company to enable us see this money in real cash with your physical eyes and more importantly to
assist us open a company's account with your name here in London, so that the Security Company can deposit this money into the company account for
transfer into your safe foreign account which you will provide. I have agreed to give 30% of the total sum to you,70% for my family .On receipt of all your
acceptance I will furnish you with every necessary details.

Thank's for your Cooperation and always reach me on the above contact information.

Regards.
ANTONIO DEMBO JR
TEL: + 44-702-4038051
Email: josephdembo142@yahoo.com.hk

MY RESPONSE:

Dearest Joseph,

I'm thrilled that you have been able to get in touch with me. I have just finished working with the President as they needed someone to fill in and clean their toilets for the past month in light of the plethora of German and Mexican dishes their chef has been serving lately. I could not believe my luck in finding such a position and now as I read this email I earnestly believe things will change in my life soon.

What a blessing from the gods that you have chosen me as the recipient of this splendid opportunity. Economically we are struggling. I am a single mother of 5 and I get no help from their fathers. I also take care of my parents, grandparents and our pet rats. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and of course I'd love to help you and your family in any way I can. I usually come over to my neighbors home to use their computer, but they've begun locking their windows so I'll have to think of a new way to get in so I can maintain contact with you. Please get back in touch with me as soon as possible. I'll be anxiously waiting.

I freakin HATE spammers.

Anyway boobs sorry I've been MIA - I got into a car accident a few weeks ago and things have been topsy turvy, but here we are... alive and well and blogging. Sigh.... It's a charmed life!

It's a beautiful effin life...

2009-03-16T16:32:00.002-04:00

So I don't know if I told you but I hate the dumb fucks of the world. The people who can't TAKE A HINT that you don't generally like them and would rather sit in a tub of hot stanky piss than to have to listen to one more of their boring stories about their fabulous life/weekend/boyfriend/ass. Just sit somewhere and STFU for the love of all that's holy. I'm JUST getting to the point of being happy with MY LIFE why the hell do I wanna sit through an agonizing lunch hour trying to look genuinely interested in what's so greeeeeeeat about yours. I couldn't give less of a fuck if I took a dump on your feet. Right On Your Feet.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

HOW ARE YA WORLD? (All FOUR of you!)

It's been a Monday here, but I'm feeling pretty damn chipper about it. I'm on my way to the good ol clinic cuz me and my sexy Jamaican god of a man had a little too much fun this weekend and although I love him like a fat rat on gouda, we're not havin any babies til we're good n ready.... Soooo can I get a venti chai tea latte, skim milk, extra hot, no foam with some Plan B on the side? Thanks!

Almost time to go home so I'll fill you in on all the x-rated details tomorrow. As my work BFF would say: Raaaaawr!

>Peace<

I'm too sleepy to blog.

2009-03-12T17:14:00.001-04:00

Didn't you just read the title?? I'M HAVING TROUBLE STAYING AWAKE. Nothin to see here. Maybe tomorrow!

Peace.

La la la la la la la la la means I love youuuuuu...

2009-03-11T17:14:00.002-04:00

So folks here we are... Humpday - oh yeah! I may not get humped today because well I'm not humping BUT I am indeed at work happy as a freakin lark because I'm in love and if lovin him is wrong I don't wanna be right. BUT remember I said I shall not speak of my lover and my incredible love for him because it's a JINX and I want my lover to be my lover and to love my lover forever and ever amen. Period. Full stop. End of story.

So what else is there to talk about?

I feel like a moron - so much funny shit happens to me all day and I'm always like "I'm so gonna blog about this!" and then I get to this screen and I'm like duuuuh and drooling on myself. Well not really but that would be hilaaaarious, wouldn't it? Maybe not so much, but I'm sure you get my point. It's just that I get here and I get all anxious because I have to be PASSIONATE about something to get a good blog out... It's kinda like takin a dump in a manner of speaking. You can't just eat an apple or something - you need SEVERAL apples, some Indian food, some ice cream, breakfast at IHOP, maybe a milk shake or something... Ya gotta really get some stuff IN THERE to get some stuff OUTTA THERE if you get my drift.

Anyway it's late and I'm at work BECAUSE I'm making up my time. Minime missed her bus! So I had to shlep to Apopka get her, get Gramma and here we all are. I'm blogging, Minime's crafting all sorts of rubber band jewelry and making up pretend employees so she can fire them. Nice. Can I just say for the record that becoming an adult SUCKS? Can I say that? We lose our zest and imagination... The kid's having a GREAT TIME meanwhile I just wanna go HOME! She says 'It's like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day!', in her little life is sunshine and I shit rainbows voice she has and it's like dammit I miss thinking my mom's job is cool. Although I will unabashedly admit that up until my 1st yr of college I still thought my mom's job was cool and the ONLY reason I stopped thinking it was cool was b/c I started working myself and saw how unfun it was. Very unfun. Minime is having a blast and it's not costing me anything. YIPPEE!

I have another 45 minutes here, then church until 8 and finally home...

G'night folks.

The Day After Monday

2009-03-10T09:54:00.004-04:00

So I didn't blog yesterday (I know you noticed). I tell ya - Monday was a nightmare. Have you ever felt like.... I dunno... How does impending doom sound? Fun. I'm just so stressed out and I think it's the clutter - my whole world is caving in and there's no way to keep things in check! (Insert screaming girl running around office here.) Thanks.

Where shall I begin? At the beginning you say? You're so clever!

So I woke up yesterday and went for a walk/jog and although I was exhausted and cold, I made it and felt better for having gotten off of my fat ass and getting some exercise. It takes dedication. I just gain so much so fast. It's RIDICULOUS because I really don't eat THAT bad; I just don't get enough exercise. At any rate, as you can see the day started off with so much promise. Minime was in an alright mood. Poor kid has a busy schedule. She's been so sleepy and irritable lately that I keep having visions of what life will be like when she comes into her 'womanhood' if ya know what I mean. If she's this irritable now can you imagine this heiffer with PMS? Oh HELL no. I'm probably going to have her committed or put her in boarding school or... or... or something equally bad. That'll teach her.

ANYWAY so the kid was cool, but then she grumbled that her oatmeal was too haaaaaaawt (quit ur belly achin' and eat it Goldilocks, Mama's gotta GO!) and Mommy do I need to wear this and Mama I need $5 and Moooooooooom did you sign my agendaaaaaaa? Needless to say by the time I got into my car I was on edge and should not have been behind the wheel. The thing is not only was I ANNOYED, but I'm also quite as sleepy and irritable as Minime and I wish we could sleep in and get up at 11 to make s'mores in the microwave for breakfast and watch Disney channel all day, but now I'm sitting on 441 and some 124 yr old lady is driving 27 mph and I can't get around her. I'm thinking hmmmm... You're old enough to be my Gramma's gramma; where the HELL are you going at 8 in the morning?!?!

W H E R E?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

So here we are.... I survived my great great grandmother and I'm finally downtown and I'm on Livingston Street. Oh yeah baby and it's 8:23 - I. AM. GOOD. I'm really feelin myself now and just as I'm about to do the cabbage patch, whaddya think happens?!? A freakin TRAIN is crossing.

It was all downhill from there.

BUT GUESS WHAT?!?!?

Today's a new damn day people!

Ahhh Tuesday.. Sounds so much better than Monday.

I'm still SLEEPY as hell, but generally in a better mood. I've had my oatmeal this morning but I'm STARVING now and I was trying to wait to have my banana, but you know how I feel about bananas. The perfect length and thickness with just a little bit of a curve. Oh yeah.... I need it now. Hahahahaaha - See what I did there? I made my snack a joke! You know like well because the banana is such a phallic symbol and all... Mmmm banana. My man loves it when I bite his big banana. Get it? BANANA = PENIS. OK I'll stop.

Alright so... it's still early and things can go terribly wrong but for now everything is quite wonderful. I just need a nap. Now now now!!!

Hope you have a great day too!

Boredumb

2009-03-06T15:27:00.003-05:00

What a clever little title.

OK So I was reading my past blogs and I wanted to just say something. I may come off as a weight-obsessed lunatic and whilst that may be true I wanted everyone (all 3 of you who read this) to know that there's more to me than my expanding waist line. I'm a person too; a woman with feelings. So I'd like to add a blog 'category', but I'm not cool, smart or patient enough to figure that out now and I'm far too busy ordering items on EBay - I mean working - to do that right now anyway.

Nonetheless, here are my categories:

Parenthood - What a friggin joyride!

The Office - MY office, not the TV show

Being a Daughter (yes my momma needs her own effin category)

I (Heart) My Man - roll ur eyes all you want, but you were all in this stage before!

My Image Issues - the delightful reason I started blogging!

So when I figure out HOW to do this, I will be doing this and if you know how to do this, please share!

OK so this is what REALLY happened Thursday...

2009-03-06T14:18:00.006-05:00

S I G H

I had such a horrific afternoon. This intern here is kind of annoying. I. Hate. Her. She's very... show-offish and makes me generally unhappy. She's a law student and she was all kinds of smart in high school/college and she works at a "fine dining restaurant" and she's been all over the world and her family's rich and she has cool friends and she's got to lose 30 lbs quick because her dad's taking her back to Africa to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro - yes I said BACK. Worst of all, she's trying to steal my best work friend and THAT I will not stand for. Worst of all (even worse than the last worst) she's dreadfully ordinary looking, but she's tall and has a decent body and when she dresses up she looks hot. On the other hand, when she's not dressed up.... oh mercy. She wears these clogs that I wouldn't even wear in my house. Not even if I lived with blind people. Not even in my garage. I wouldn't wear those to take a shit. (If I owned shittin shoes, that is.) Well guess what happened. You can't even GUESS what happened. Little Miss I'm The Shit had a deposition to attend yesterday and she forgot her fancy shoes and guess who she decides to ask to borrow shoes from...? Yours truly. Oh what a tragic move my non-friend. HOW the hell does this shit happen to me?!?!? I haven't known this broad for a month yet; she's not even my co-worker and she's shoving her pointy little smart elbows into my life and her feet into my shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I let her borrow them.

As stated previously, I'm a pussy and I couldn't come up with a lie quick enough... I have a foot fungus... I wear a 14... These are highly sensitive, well trained, Tahari patent leather peep toe pumps that I had specially made and to allow YOU to wear them would be in breach of my contract with the Guatemalan cobbler that worked so hard to make them for me (and me only you pompous heiffer so step off). I totally should've said that.

Instead I asked when she would be back. Gotdammit.

So she happily kicks off her roach stompers and slips her high IQ havin pale feet into my shoes and I wanted to gouge her eyes out. FIRST of all, I don't wear pantyhose so I KNOW those shoes are sweaty, hot and funky. Good luck girlfriend. Secondly because of my awkward legs and heavy walking my heels are fkd up and lean so I have to always make sure I get them fixed every so often for comfort and to keep up with my own stylishness that no one else notices or cares to compliment me on (except for aforementioned best work friend because she rocks). I sat at my desk and REFUSED to get up until she got back because there was no way in HELL I was going to let any part of my body touch her shoes. That's when the wenches I work with started making fun of me..

Hey Candice you wanna walk over to the courthouse? Candice can you come here for a second? Candice it's been an hour, when's she gettin' back with your shoes? Laugh it up bitches... LOL - I'm kidding, I love the chicas I work with.

This is my life. Yay!

Oh Thursday

2009-03-05T14:49:00.002-05:00

I have nothing to blog about.

That bothers me greatly. Actually I have LOTS to blog about but I'm too much of a pussy and I believe that karma karma karma come back to you hard (Lauryn Hill fans will get that) and I don't want to say anything bad about anyone because when I run for governor (or something) some asshat will google me and find the blog I wrote a kajillion years ago and I'll be ruined.

I know that's what's gonna happen. I just know it.

UGH! I'm so frustrated with life. I think I need a day of everyone doing wtf I say. When it's 8:24 am and I have NO time to fk around on the road and I yell, "Move ya ass already ya fkn moron!", for ONCE I want you to move! When I'm starving at 11:58 and need a good lunch and I say "Damn I hope the cafe has picadillo and rice.", I would really appreciate some gotdamn rice and slide me an extra serving of picadillo. Ya hear me?

Life isn't fair.

What would YOU ask for if you could snap your fingers? (Don't be a punk and end world hunger either... That gives overpaid celebs something to do when they need attention for doing things OTHER than getting drunk in public or cheating on their spouses..)

OK I'm going to go study. My boring blog is so boring I'm tempted to go make myself throw up in the copy room just to shake things up.

I miss my daughter and my boyfriend :0(

Not so hot....

2009-03-03T16:35:00.002-05:00

So guess what? Going raw blows if you don't have the time to prepare ur meals... sounds completely asinine, but it's TRUE! I ate fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch on and on and on and got bored. Not only is this boring, but you won't lose as much weight as you can if you're not eating the raw foods that burn fat. I know there are PLENTY of resources available for ideas and recipes, but I've realized the reason I'm fat and getting fatter: I'M LAZY. That's it. Sickening.

The fact is EVERY METHOD WORKS - if you stick to it. I've done Atkins, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, pill after pill after pill and where am I? FATTER than before. I need ephedra in my life. Seriously. I need some dramatically dangerous way to lose 50 lbs and I promise I will work so hard to do the rest all on my own. Pinky swear.

Anyway what's new in life? Nothing actually. I had a weekend full of migraines and I think it's because I'm seriously in need of a DETOX. I've gone back to being obsessed with food and it's expensive and dangerous. I read something about envisioning my goals and I think if I seriously SEE myself fitting into a pair of size 12 pants I can make it happen.

I have an elliptical sitting at home. In the box. Ugh. I'm a loser!!!!!!!!! I need to get my LIFE together. I need to get to the source of my excessive behavior. Too many clothes, too much eating, too much spending, too many THINGS that I don't even USE in my house that need to be THROWN AWAY or SOLD. I have an idea! (watch out now!) March has just started and I'm dedicating this month to removing ALL the clutter from my life. I need space in my home, my finances, my pants and my BRAIN!

God help us all.

It's been a minute so it's gonna be a long one.....

2009-02-10T10:35:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted and I don't know why but I PROMISE this will be a weekly occurrence although MAYBE 3 people read this. Maybe. Anyway... the weight issue is alive and kickin' since my break up with Mister NY. I've gained back and then some and am now a chunky monkey at 254 lbs. YIPES. How and when this happened doesn't even matter. What matters is knowing that it's out of control so I've started a new way of life. I'm going raw bitches.

Thanks to facebook, I've been reunited with some friends from elementary school and it feels so good. Normally I would be freaking out because of my lack of success, college degree, weight, and generally inadequacy, but I don't have time for that anymore. I'm tired of being sad all the time so I'm trying to focus on.... other shit basically. I thank God that I'm alive, in love, and I have a pretty ordinary existence with sprinkles of delight every now and then. ANYWAY as I was saying....

One of my old friends has gone raw and been quite successful (30 lbs lost in about so many days) so I figure I should give it a shot. For now I'm only doing 2 meals/day, but I'll go cold turkey if I see some changes in 2 weeks. Yesterday was day one and I had fruit salad for bkfast and lunch. Today I woke up early and juiced some carrots and apples and I have some more fruit as a snack and I'll have a greek salad although I'm not 100% sure if the components of said salad are all raw (is feta cheese raw?). I just looked it up and yes it is. For dinner I'll finish the left over lasagna and maybe have salmon and salad for dinner for the rest of the week...

Aside from the battle of the bulges... I'm doing alright. I'm ALWAYS stressed about money, but just when I'm on the verge of selling my possessions or myself on OBT, I realize that it won't always be like this; I won't always be living check to check and Minime won't always want some new toy/gadget/form of entertainment... ok scratch that - she's her mother's child so she WILL always want those things, BUT as we grow hopefully our finances do the same!

Hmmm what else is new? Minime is in karate and the Apopka Football season has started so I'm back to coaching and she's back to cheering. I'm not teaching Sunday school anymore (too many hands in the pot), but I'm still working with the Children's Ministry. Pretty soon Minime will start piano and voice lessons, but right now we don't have any days free and she needs time to focus on school - FCAT next year... (loud obnoxious groan... damn you George Bush). On a brighter note, she made it into the Gifted Program so she attends Enrichment classes once a week and so far she loves it. God bless her, she's got a lot on her plate, but she's an amazing kid and she loves all of her activities. She said she wants to play basketball too so we'll see what happens next year. I reeeeeeeally fkd up in school last semester - I was stressed about my finances and looking for a second job so school was on the back burner. Actually it wasn't even on the stove... maybe in a dusty corner somewhere I dunno. Anyway I'm fully focused man (like 50 said) and I'm certain I'll do better this semester. I can't afford one of my books though so I may just have to sell something after all. (big loud exasperated sigh)

OK so back to the weight thing (sorry I can't help myself PLUS I haven't blogged since SEPTEMBER and I have a lot to say)... My goal is 160-ish - any lower and I'll lose all the junk in my trunk and we know I don't want that to happen. I WAS working out with a 'friend' who has experience as a personal trainer and things were going well, but then he made some inappropriate comments and I'm not in the mood to deal with anyone's bs. I mean seriously - I'm not even sexy yet so work me out and save your harassment for later. Bastard.

Oh oh oh! My looooooove life lol. I've met the most A-M-A-Z-I-N-G man ever and that's all I'm going to say about that actually because I think my big mouth gets me into trouble and I also think when you're MOST happy, some people can't handle it and their negativity rains all over my glee parade. Fuck ya'll whoever you are, by the way. I'm tired of the whole misery loves company thing. I would REALLY like to TRY to be happy. Content. Jolly (sans belly). Joyful. Hopeful. Exuberant. Giddy? Nah... that's too much lol - anyway you get my point. Being the fat, miserable, broke single mom gets really tiring after a while. So I'm just going to be happy. Just because I wanna and there's nothing you can do or say that's going to stop me. So there!

So anyway I'm at work and some clients just walked in....... I think I'm getting a contact high so I should go - ah the joys of criminal defense. ANOTHER black man with his unequivocally ghetto girl/ baby mama - giving ME attitude. (ghetto sigh)

Toodles my noodles!

Miss Independent Means WHAT Exactly?.....

2008-09-26T10:50:00.003-04:00

I think this is getting out of hand lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL about my independence, I moved to DC when I was 16 and haven't really looked back since and unfortunately (or fortunately?) I've never had someone even offer to be my sugar daddy anyway lol. I worry that my CHOICE (not necessity) to make my mother happy and live with her when Taylor was born OR now my move to Florida and live with my grandmother gives the impression that I can't do it on my own. I wish I was the type of person that didn't care what people thought, but that's a conversation for a couch somewhere paying some jerk $80/hr to tell me it all stems from my relationship with my mother, how Freudian...

BUT being independent doesn't necessarily mean I'm ballin outta control either! Yeah I took a few trips this year to kinda reward myself, but I don't wear Gucci this and Prada that - I don't even think I ever even saw authentic Gucci merchandise until I went to the Bahamas in May... I definitely take care of everything (my bills, my daughter, my school and my grandmother's expenses) all on my own, but it's hard and I might not NEED my man's help, but to be honest if he offers I'm not too proud to ALWAYS say "I got it".... lol

So am I to understand that today's ideal woman is independently wealthy and looks like she's never washed a dish, much less cooked a meal in her life?

B A R A C K!

2008-08-29T09:37:00.005-04:00

OK so let's just get this outta the way... NO I'm not voting for Obama because he's Black (idiots). I've voted for white dudes before, haven't I? LOL. The bigger question goes out to those close-minded back wood dumb muthafuckers that WON'T vote for him because he's Black. Grow up and step into the 21st century. Racism is alive and well. I know it. I fkn see it everyday always being the only Black woman where I work or the only Black parent in my daughter's class. I've been called a nigger in my own fkn neighborhood (gotta love Apopka!). So a big fat middle finger up to anyone who says I shouldn't vote for Barack Obama JUST because he's Black. It makes me so ashamed to be from a country that bases a man's qualification on his skin color in fkn 2008. He's not a terrorist and he's not some al-Qaeda lover or whatever else has been speculated. IGNORANCE IS A DISEASE. LEARN something about the candidates before you start talking shit, morons.

I've heard and seen soooo much degrading bullshit about this guy and it's heartbreaking that almost ALL of the slams against him are because he's not white. At this point he could be purple for all I care. I've had enough of this shit that we're dealing with. Oh yeah and he's pro-choice. (um WHO CARES?) Not to be heartless, but please tell me WHY the PRESIDENT has anything to do with what a woman does with her body?!?!?!!!!!!! I've never talked to him, but I'd like HIS opinion on what comes outta my vagina. Yeah... thanks. It would be an issue if he was telling me that I could NOT do what I choose to do with my body. People have a SERIOUS issue with being judgmental....

So seriously wtf is up with ANYONE who thinks that the condition our country is in is a-okay?!?!

I STRUGGLE to pay my bills and give my daughter a DECENT life. WTF should we suffer here, lose our loved ones to a selfish war and fatten the pockets of people who don't give a shit about us AMERICANS. FUCK GAS AT $4 A GALLON! Our country has not seen deficit like this in about 80 years... Wake the hell up already. Two-income families struggle to fkn pay their bills - much less have small luxuries. BILLS - light and gotdamn water, car notes and tuition, health care. Shit that people need to LIVE. God forbid something happens to Taylor or myself - we're up the creek with no health coverage and no conceivable way to afford it right now.

Don't get me wrong. No intelligent person should expect that as soon as Obama sits his ass in the oval office that the streets will be paved with gold and cash will be falling out of the sky. We need a major overhaul and that takes time. We've given our "leader" 8 years and this is what he's done. How the hell can any SANE person be ok with that?!

It's about time that we had someone in office who gives a fuck. Period.

With that said I am PROUD to have an intelligent, driven, compassionate and focused candidate running for office.

I Heart NY!

2008-08-29T08:53:00.002-04:00

I miss NY a LOT and being in a LDR doesn't make it any easier (pouting). So I've been online looking up stuff about NYC and what's fun and new and all that. Carmelicious I thought you would be interested in this especially and I'm hoping our moves coincide because we are gonna have a LOT of fun.

Here's a link I thought was cute! How to get around NY for 9.99 a day!!
http://www.nyc.gov/html/nycmg/nyctv/html/neighborhoods/999.shtml

Here are some pics from Fashion Week!!!
http://www.nypost.com/entertainment/fashionweek/galleries/

School, etc.

2008-08-25T17:30:00.000-04:00

School starts today! Yeah!!!!!!!!!

I thought I'd share this pic of Taylor and I from last summer... Just because I sincerely HATE my stupid body. Well not the body, but the person that keeps fkn it up I guess. My face looks like I had a gotdamn allergic reaction!!

sigh

(It'll get better)

Drumroll Please

2008-08-22T15:26:00.000-04:00

So with a total of 10 lbs lost for the month of July... Heeeeeeere's Candice:

I didn't think there was such a big difference until I saw this pic - now I wish I was smiling! LOL

My Bally's membership is FINALLY over so I'm shopping for a new gym. I'm leaning towrds Planet Fitness....

Anyway I still have 80 more lbs to go, but I think walking and the elliptical have made a HUGE difference in my body - no more muffin top and my legs are getting a little smaller. I really wanna work on my upper body the most though, so I need to zone in on my stomach and arms. I'm not stressing TOO much about the scale; I'd rather have a nice shape and get back into a size 12 some day, maybe even a 10 again. (Wow!)

Until we meet again my darlings....

~ Candalonia

Oh yeah!

2008-07-22T01:20:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this episode of the Fatty McFatterson show to bring you breaking news:

I have a new man that for ONCE isn't my ex! (And that said it couldn't be done...)

OK sleep time

The scale is broken!

2008-07-22T01:13:00.000-04:00

It says I lost 5 lbs - holy smokes batman!

I've been waking up MAD early and walk/jogging (lol); eating right and trying to behave myself - I haven't even really been drinking quite so much... Uh I'm even going to the gym... What else? Oh I climbed the flippin stairs at work for 'fun' today - from 1-25... 3 flights in I had some serious regret and worried about cardiac issues, but I made it and I felt really good when I was done.

By my estimate I should lose 90lbs by January. I've only gotten serious about this within the last 2 weeks, but I'm keeping it up so far so wish me luck. I don't have pics to show -5 flippin pounds though so I'll get back to you on that lol.

Bye!

What's Happening Here?

2008-06-22T15:18:00.000-04:00

My story is similar to many other women out there. We've been hurt, betrayed and let down and made to feel worthless and guilty for the shortcomings of the person or people who've dealt the blow, whether it's in romantic relationships or otherwise.

We then lower our expectations and therefore the damage progresses, the hole gets deeper and the wounds are more difficult and seemingly impossible to heal. I personally don't have it in me to continually let my guard down, making myself available for more pain JUST for the remote possibility of meeting someone real.

I've simply lost faith that this person is out there. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me and if you've read this much I applaud you lol. I've never put my emotions into words and I'll be honest this is damn near therapeutic! =0)

Believe me I want to let go of the past. I want to muster up the strength to move on.

So...

2008-06-20T23:12:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time....

It's cuz I'm lazy.

That's all.

Oh! I almost forgot!

2008-06-10T23:14:00.001-04:00

I went and broke a MAJOR sweat at the gym today! Woo hooooooooo!!!!! I haven't been to that hell hole in a LONG time. I had to get a whole new card and do you know what sucked? Looking at the pic on the card it's so clear that I'm fatter now than when I first joined in 05... Ugh. Oh well! Onward and upward - or in my case: downward!!!

I mistakenly emailed almost everyone to read my blogs - I regret that. I'm more comfortable with strangers knowing about me than people I know... I hate most of the people I know. Sorry, but it's true. I hate who I am because of your expectations and opinions of what you think I should be. It's sickening, but the truth sucks so whatever. Oh but don't worry - I don't mean YOU. (lol)

So...

I'll weigh in on Mondays (except for this Monday b/c I'll be out of town - maybe I'll get on one of those luggage scales at the airport!!). OK it's after 11 and one part of my NEW way of life is getting the proper rest. Good night!!

Picture time!

2008-06-10T21:34:00.000-04:00

MY PROGRESSION INTO FATNESS

This is me @ Disney - March 07

This is me @ Pompano Beach - Aug 07

This is me at work - November 07...

This is me at the beach in Puerto Rico - April 08...

This is the most recent pic of yours truly...

Let the record show that I am getting fatter and fatter and fatter!!!!!

(ok peace)

Ideal Size...

2008-06-09T23:08:00.001-04:00

So you know you have a "weight issue" when:

- Numerous people tell you you're NOT fat, but can't maintain eye contact.
- Your fat clothes actually FIT.
- You have become an expert in girdle shopping - call them what you want; they're GIRDLES!!
- The biggest challenge now is how to showcase your boobs, but completely hide your tummy!!
- Everyone starts giving you tips on how to lose weight.
- You become invisible...

Now what SUCKS is I'm still the same person on the inside. I'm still funny, outgoing, flirtatious, a good mom, a good student, etc. On the outside I'm the girl that used to be sexy or worse yet could be sexy if... Don't get me wrong I'm not going for your sympathy vote, I still get attention from guys. Mostly old men, but hey whatever dude... If a young guy does have the absence of mind to hit on me it's usually the 'fat chicks are easy' technique I think. Like all of a sudden I should be so grateful to get the slightest bit of attention that I'm making it a point to drop the draws before I even get in your car. As a matter of fact we don't have to even get in your car; I'm so desperate I'll drive myself to you. Yes P.O.D. (figure it out). So baby while you're snoozing from all the hard work you did (pounding my fat ass and tryina get around my stomach), I'll be driving all the way back home listening to Jill Scott like "Yeah... big girls can get it too!!! Oooh hol' up I almost passed Steak n' Shake..." Uh... I don't think so. I'm fat, not stupid and I certainly didn't take a slut pill so keep it movin playa!

I digress...

I look in the mirror and I think along the line of what other people are thinking. Is she getting bigger?? I see it and I feel it. I'm aware of how long it takes to get my pants buttoned. I've also noticed I have that all around extra belly that hangs over my pants when I finally get them closed (sexy it's not). I feel my thighs rubbing together and worse yet when I have a mirror in front of me I see my left and right thigh engaged in battle.

Right: I'm first!
Left: No I was!
Right: No me!
Left: Me!
Right: Me!

It's entertaining, but I've had enough...

Anyway back to my original topic: Ideal Size. My ideal would be a 10, but at this point I'd kill a small village just to be a 14... I think I'll post weekly pics up to give you a look into my passion for losing this weight.

Until then be good to yourselves... and each other. Love you all!

Join the Club...

2008-05-28T21:12:00.000-04:00

So this here weight loss thing...

My friend Carmeliciouss has a blog so maybe typing, thinking, venting and speaking on my feelings will help me deal with my 'issues'....

So how do I feel about my looks. Hmmm - shall I list every English word for "not good" or should I spare you the time? I've gained about 100lbs since '98 and I look like a totally different person. The problem is I still think, talk, laugh, love, study, cry, and eat like the old me! How ironic. Yes I said eat. I've always loved food and everything food represents. Having it and enjoying it in abundance represents happiness, wealth (not necessarily monetary, but a 'rich life') and choice. The ability to CHOOSE what, when and where I can eat is such a deep psychological issue. I can remember the days when we lived off of potatoes, pork chops and codfish.

My mom was a single mother, working and going to school and we were happy. I never knew how many varieties of fries, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, scalloped potatoes and hash browns were possible. I don't remember feeling broke, but as I got older and I could go to restaurants with my friends I became addicted. Yes. Addicted. Addicted to going out, getting cute, eating out, drinking new cocktails, and leaving a big tip ('cause you know they assume that since I'm young and Black all I'm leaving is a damn dollar - in nickels and pennies)!

ANYWAY fast forward to pregnancy, losing the baby weight (well most of it), falling in love (wit a dude that wanted me to lose weight), and the weight piled on and on and on.

So now that we know how it came... We have to work on how to get rid of it. I think I'll attach pics and update them so we can monitor my progress weekly... Do you think that's a good idea?